Who are we?

Through various conversations over the last few weeks, I have found myself sharing my view of "church". The general population thinks of "church as a religious building. Scripture is clear that the church is more than a place. It is even more than a common worshiping body. The church is present when God's love is being shown. I see the body often selecting who it will serve. We exclude people for a number of reasons. Whether their skin color, economic status, mental health, clothing choices, or worshipping style, we decide they are not fit to be welcomed into our building. In short, we judge one another. This appals me. Christ calls us to welcome all in his name, regardless of our personal feelings about them. At the church I attend, we have campus security. I recognize there are some justifable reasons, but also wonder how does this look to a non-believer. I struggle with the idea that rather than being a haven, the body often seculdes itself and fails to step up to be the church. Often in walking to or from church, I see clients from the agency where I serve. Due to boundaries imposed by the agency, I am unable to invite them to join me. Even if I were able to invite them, would they be truly welcome? Or would they be directed toward the homeless ministry by default. This post is spurred as I shared earlier by conversations, but also my own experiences. Over the last few months, I have taken huge risks with people in my immediate circle and shared not only the joys, but the struggles in my life. Struggles both professionally and personally. With each of these people I have found unconditional acceptance and love. I wish those I work with everyday that have been hurt by the church would be able to experience the acceptance that I have. They would be able to see beyond the hypocracy that has filled their relationships with believers and realize we are all broken, seeking healing in love, from God and each other. That their need for relationship can be filled in healthy, life-giving ways.
I struggle to always exhibit this. Some of our clients personalities don't match mine. Sometimes I am having a bad day and negative attitude. Yet, my prayer is that overall my interactions would leave people knowing I care about them, simply because they are. Not for anything they have done, simply because they are.

What is family

Hello friends,
This week has been one of reflection. Reflection on the idea of family, somewhat spurred by advent, in addition to my own life journey.
I realized this week I am am battling some homesickness. This is not something I have previously experienced, so not really sure how to acknowledge and embrace it. I am feeling these emotions as I wrestle with what is home. I have some definite thoughts as to what is home and family, which are usually fluid. For most of my life home has been the place I sleep at, and this still fits, but I am also longing for something deeper. Usually home is a place of stability, this has not always been true in my childhood or adolesence. As I wrestle with the idea of family, I am serving youth who have been through traumatic experiences at the hands of their family. I see how the youth become a family among themselves, a surrogate family if you will, primarily focused on the role of brother and sister.
I have built this around myself, not always by choice but necessity. Often given the lack of adults our clients interact with, we serve as the parents. While we do not judge a clients' actions, we educate them in understanding the consequences of their actions, both good and bad. The last two days, I have spoken with different clients who make compromise their health to make money. While I disagree with their actions, I speak with them about why they choose to do so. I get to know their story. We talk about other options. One client honestly shared, she chooses this to remind her that she has value. We talk about other ways to seek out attention in healthy, safer ways. I also encourage her to practice safe sex to reduce her risk.
I am learning that "family" is what you make it. That the definition of family is continually changing on an individual level. That blood relation does not equal family, but rather a mutual love and concern for one another's well-being.

Thanksgiving

I am starting this entry late Thanksgiving night. My Thanksgiving was spent with one of my roommate's families who drove from AZ to spend it with us and cook us dinner. In addition, a second roommate's friend is visiting. For dinner our city director and his wife and two neighborhood families were with us. We had about 20 people. Part of our Thanksgiving was sharing what are we thankful for this year. As I thought, I realized I am thankful for simple things that are often taken for granted. Things like shelter, clothes, food. I am also thankful for friends who are like family to me, both here in LA and in other various places. In reflecting more personally with a friend, I am grateful for the amazing people that I have around me, supporting me, whether financially, emotionally (written or verbally), spiritually. For those of you who challenge me to continually be stepping out of my comfort zone, I say thanks for you. For those who are giving of there own finances to allow me to test my call and expand both the love of Christ and my own understand of Christ I say thank you. For those who create a safe space for me to wrestle and ask hard sometimes uncomfortable questions I say thank you.
In the midst of seeking healing and battling depression, it is good to focus on the many gifts in my life. While I can't say I am thankful for the hard times, I am grateful for the ways they have shaped me, given me my passions, values and compassion. I am reminded of Job who after losing all material goods says 'the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." As we enter the Christmas season, it is my prayer that our focus will be on anticipation of the coming of Christ. The God of the universe entering the world as a dependent, humble babe. Peace to you all

identity

Hello friends,
It is time for another update from Hollywood. My goal is to weekly share a bit of my previous week with you. This last week was emotionally a roller coaster. I had a week coupled with making some large decisions. In the midst of this, was some quality chill time with friends (colleuages), a trip to Hanford/Fresno for a meeting, quaterly review with my agency and an amazing conversation with a good friend. I did a quick trip up to Hanford for my annual review with the Committee on Preperation for Ministry. Here, I was both challenged and encouraged to stay the course with plans for my future. This was also where I had to make a hard decision. As an inqurier in PCUSA, I must have my membership in a PCUSA church. The committee and I discussed various options, and agreed if/when Hanford leaves the PCUSA, I will be transfering my membership to my local church here in Hollywood. This decision was not made lightly. I talked many hours with a variety of people on both sides of the issue. If you are in Hanford and have no clue what I am talking about, please get in touch with me. I don't really care to share the process that I went though to arrive at that decision. If you would like to talk about it over the phone I am happy to do so. On the prior day to my meeting, I was able to spend alot of time laughing with kids, bouncing on trampolines, and playing video games. It was good to see some of you, and I am sorry I couldn't stay longer.
I am asking alot of questions about identity. Some related to how is it formed, who/what teaches us our roles, what does it mean to be a child of God, not in the corporate sense but to me personally. I am seeking healing from some of the baggage I have been carrying for many years. I am ready to lay it down, but I am also scared to do so. I see this also in so many of the youth that come into the agency I work for. They desparately want to trust us and take us at face value, but having been hurt time and again, they are scared. It is only through spending time with them, listening to them, investing in them, that they begin to let down the walls. I see the same happening in my life with people here. To some extent, I think it is normal to wear masks. But there comes a point where we must take off the masks. that is my big challenge for this year, to risk relationships with others that are real and authentic by taking off the masks.

Hi dear friends,
The last week has been one of questions. I am asking both personal and theological questions. Personal questions are related alot to identity: Who am I as a daughter of God, what does that mean to me? I am asking alot of questions that have no answer. I am speaking with various people about the questions, going into the hard places of life. I am grateful for one friend who challenged me this week. The words she spoke were not new, but for the first time I was truly able to hear them. Jesus died not only to forgive our sin, but to free us from our past. Our past is a signifcant part of who we are, but it doesn't equal the sum total of our value. We all have issues from our past, some more obvious than others. These truths are applicable regardless. I am learning to live in to vulenerability this year. I have found this to be scary but good. I am thankful to have amazing housemates who are here for the right reasons, and multiple bosses who create a safe enviroment to talk through issues, both personal and professional.
Theologically: I am wrestling with big questions related to ordination. I am talking again with various people (though not the same) and asking their views. Parts of it are clear for me, others are muddy and grey. What I know for absolute certain is my heart aches over seeing the church be divided. I know the reasons why and yet we are one bride, not a harem. I struggle as I see Christians be mean/disrespectful toward those who disagree, even within our churches. In disclosure, I am not sure where I stand in light of decisions made at GA. I am called to be a peacekeeper and a light. I don't know if leaving is the best option for me, or staying. I don't think I will know until I open my mouth and speak it. I covet your prayers in this area for the next week.
thanks

Success?

I am continuing to wrestle with the idea of success. Through various activities I noticed that success was always measured by numbers. I find this sad and unnerveing. Shane Claiborne, in Irrestible Revolution, uses humor to argue that often when the gospel is preached numbers begin to fall. There is significant truth behind this. The gospel is convicting and we are left with two responses, either repentance or rejection. In repentance we find true freedom and healing, rejection leaves us feeling at best unworthy, and at worst condemned/guilty. What if instead of focusing on numbers for success, we looked at the body to measure how is its faith being practiced. Are we welcoming others into our homes practicing hospitality? Are we caring for the family down the street who looks different from us? Are we serving the homeless man on the street corner? Or do we let these daily opportunites pass us by? Success has very little to do with us, is the conculsion I am coming to. Our role in success is God creating the circumstances and us being obedient. No one is a "self-made" man. All of our talents, gifts, abilities, very breath is from God.
In Hollywood, the idea of success is largely based on numbers, particularily money. Yet our whole system is set-up so that if I have, you must not have. I may choose to share, but you are dependent on that choosing. This is wrong. Why for me to succeed must you fail? I am not sure what the answer is, I am seeing huge value in the biblical mandate for jubilee. If success requires me to push my brother/sister down, I want nothing to do with it. If success achieved through God honoring means allows me to help my brother/sister, I am all for it. I think what I truly desire is for equal power for all people, so everyone truly does have a voice and a opportunity to succeed.

Random thoughts

Today was hard. While I woke up in a good place and in a good mood, now at the end of the day, I am tired, feeling beat up. As part of our Halloween celebration, we did Karaoke. It was fun but alot of stimulation. Extra work to be done, plus just extra bodies as more clients come in at the end of the month. I know my current emotional state is related to fatigue. I am asking what level of ministry is sustainable for me, and how does it need to look. This weekend is a bit crazy. Tonight was karaoke, tomorrow we are hosting our neighborhood Fall festival, and Sat is Day of the Dead celebration. While all of these are good, they demand energy I don't necessarily have. Looking back it will be worth the work, but I am defnitely needing to make sure I do self-care. In addition, I am preparing for my annual review with the Committee on Preparation on Ministry (CPM). This means lots of writing answering questions about my last year, sharing where I am and how have I grown. On Sunday, I am finding a coffee shop and finishing these questions. I have already started thankfully, but still have two of the deeper questions to answer. I agree reflection is important, but as I wrestle with questions that will affect my view of God and interptation of Scripture, I am finding that is where I am investing my reflection energies. Thanks for your prayers.

Hard Times

This last week has been a challenge. Fortunately life is good with my housemates and in ministry. Personally, I have been battling depression. For those who don't know, this has been going on since I was a teen. It is not a continious thing, but rather a moment by moment. I am blessed that through DOOR I have a great support system in my city director, the board, my housemates and the church. On the 9th of this month was the 5 year anniversary of my mom passing. I suspect that is what triggered my depression. Even in the midst of the negativity, I see God's beauty. For our time as a community, we choose to go to Griffith Park and have our time there. I was surrounded by God's creation and its beauty. On some level I was overwhelmed with God's love being shown through creation. It also brought to the front some personal struggles, but I am grateful none the less. Today, I was blessed to visit a potential future agency with my city director. I was impressed by the organization and their focus not only within their specific clientelle, but also in serving the community that they are located. I have visited and participated in similar agencies, yet none had an aspect of community outreach. This encouraged me in a way I can't explain right now. I was also reminded of an idea from this summer: everyone is rich and everyone is poor. You might be rich in resources but lacking in interpersonal relationshps, whereas I might be rich in interpersonal relationships, but lacking in resources. As I type, I am realizing how much this was lived out in the early church. I am learning that in sharing where am I at both emotionally and spritually allows me to not only to be served more effectively (one of key ideas) but also to serve as my true needs are being met.

Bright moment

Last night I met to of the girls who live in our neighborhood. Zuri and Lorana. Zuri is learning English and is shy to speak in English, Lorana graciously translated as needed. Through conversation, I feel like I not only got to know these girls but also some of what they expect from us. As I was walking these two girls home (across the street) and talking with them, I met about 8 other kids ages 2-12 both boys and girls. I ended up bring all 10 of them back over to the community house where we played some trouble and sorry. It was during a game of Sorry that I saw a gift rarely matched. One of the younger boys, Angel, was having a hard time focusing on the game and counting correctly. Rather than become upset, Zuri helped him count out the spaces alternating English and Spanish, played with him in between their turns. We quickly made popcorn for a snack. Angel knocked his cup over, most kids laughed at him, including two of the 12 year old boys, Zuri bent over and helped him clean it up and then explained what happened and asked for more on his behalf. Zuri is 10, and looked up to by the younger girls in the neighborhood. Today I was working on getting our front yard back into shape. Zuri came and helped me for a bit, leading to 4 other girls coming to help. I intially was impressed by her leadership as she is the youngest in her family. In writing and sharing these stories with you, I am amazed at her service, not only toward Angel but to her community. I am challenged by Zuri example set last night, and this evening. I am excited to see her grow over this next year and to see how she grows me.

Philosphical Thought

As I was reading this past week one line in particular has stayed with me. While I have heard it mulitple times previously, it has really struck a chord this past week. The quote is
"Live simply, so others may simply live". I am again quickly being disgusted by the consumerism in our society. Some people around me have been in upheaval as a result of the stock market, understandably so on one level. Yet compared to 80% of the world, we have riches beyond the imagination, both in freedoms and materialistically. I am becoming very aware of my spending habits and the shops I frequent. This year I made a personal decision to not purchase new clothes, with an undergarment exception clause. This serves two purposes: 1) I have plenty of clothes 2)I will save money 3) It helps keep stuff from being wasted when there is plenty of good use left. Some of my favorite shirts have come from thrift stores. I have shared my views what is your view of the above quote?

A story

Hey friends,
I feel like I have alot to share but words are failing. Today was a powerful day. I talked with a youth about who he is and he strengths. "Milo" has had a lot of people leaving and rejecting him throughout his short life. He wrestles with balancing seeking acceptance/love with being true to who he really is. I felt honored and privleged to enter into this conversation with him. I helped him focus his thoughts and engaged in further dialouge as he seeks the best options for him, and him solely. He wants to succeed yet sees huge obstacles, he sees friends on the streets making quick money through illegal activites. He knows he doesn't want to go down that road again, but at times it can feel like the only option to him. As we talked, I helped him identify that he values education, and that education can help open many doors. We talked about finding a part-time job and possibility of job experience as a class to help him finish school and work at the same time. He shared that he wants to be a contractor. We identified the key needs of the profession on the job site talking about what classes both in his last year of high school and in college he would need to focus in on. He left ready to continue pursuing the good as he viewed it. While I helped Milo, Milo was a huge blessing to me. I was humbled as I helped him identify the things he excels at and is passionate about. I am continually impressed by this young man as he stands up to pressure in his neighborhood to either join a gang or in the illegal activity. He challenged my notion of how I am to serve this year, and for that most of all I am grateful

Random thoughs

I have been thinking about alot of different things. I am wrestling with our culture's definiton of success. It seems for me to succeed someone else must fail or be pushed down. This seems contradictory to scripture. I would expect this is non-religious circles, but I am seeing it even within the church. One particular instance two people began as a respectful disagreement and it melted into name calling, subtle but name calling none the less. Rather than learning from each other it became about winning. It broke my heart. Instances like this make me want to run far from what Christianity has become in our multireligious culture. I believe in absolutes and will defend them, but through intelligent, rational discussion. As a group we are reading a book called Irresitible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. In the first two chapters he talks about he became disenchanted with the church. In hearing the word church most think of a building. Yet the building is irrelevant. The church is the body and no one wants to really admit that it is sick. At my agency I work with 3 other Christians and about 15 other faith traditions or areligious people. I enjoy the interaction and challenge that comes from my non-Christian colleauges, yet I feel something is wrong. In the US Christianity has become comfortable and really watered down. In talking with one client, "Mike" who is from India, he shared about how he was cast out because of his acceptance of Christianity. With large financial resources, it is easy to throw money at the problem and let other people "do the dirty work". Yet our reward is minimal at best. However, if I enter into conversation and relationship with a personal and then share from my abundance, it means more to us both. Rather than seeing the world as us and them (those people) we need to see the world as us, seeking to live out our call to provide for the least of these. One verse from this summer still challenges me. It comes from Matthew 25. "What ever you have done to the least of these my brothers you have done to me." In this verse I understand that how treat the downtrodden is how I am treating my savior.

YAV Retreat and week

I am back from New Mexico. I had a good trip. A good amount of time in the beauty of God's creation with good people. I was amazed at how different the retreat felt. My first year every one stayed in their groups. This year there was alot of mingling between sites. Granted the group was significantly smaller as well this year. The material was very similar as my first time, yet served as a good refresher. My favorite part was probably what is called open space technology. People write topics they want to discuss and then facilitate discussion. Both years amazing conversations have come from this experience. Obviously there is more to it than that, if you would like to know more ask.
This week I also shared my life story with my housemates. Prior to sharing, I was stressed out about it. I wrestle with how much to share and how to share my faith journey. I shared wtih how that impacts my challenges and struggles currently, and some of the identity challenges I struggle with. I am excited to go back to My Friend's Place tomorrow. I have found that I missed it over the last week and a half. Even in the short time I have been here in Hollywood, I feel very comfortable. It is home. This seems odd as I realize that I grew up 3 hours from here in a relatively small city. Yet as I think about it, it appropriate that I would feel at home here. My mom grew up in a town less than 10 miles from here. My dad less than 20. So in many ways I am returning to my roots.
In the next week, we will be starting to reach out to our neighborhood. I am excited and feel ready for this. What are we doing? I am not sure, my housemates have plans. I am ok with surprises. Please be in prayer as we are doing our outreach on sunday afternoon. Pray for wisdom in conversations, ability to begin forming connections with people, openness to what the neighborhood tells us the needs are. Thanks

Week of Firsts

I have experienced many firsts this week. Mostly good, some a little nerve racking. I had my first few days at my site this past week. It was good times. I was able to really connect with a few of our female clients. Hearing their stories helps me appreciate the people who chose to invest in me. I have become even more aware how easily I could have went down a path of poor choices. Yet people in my life loved me enough to go through the hard times with me.
I am also realizing the importance of self identity, both from my agency and from my team. Currently, we are the "new dwellers" to most of the neighborhood. I enjoy the community, but also know that it is important for me to explore and develop my sense of self. This needs to occur both within and apart from the community. How that will look is uncertain, but I know I need it to occur for my own growth.
I am wrestling with the idea culturally that poverty is solely related to money. This summer one of our premisis was that Everyone is rich and Everyone is poor just in different ways. We are called to share the areas where we are poor allowing those to be filled by others strengths and to share our strengths with those who may be lacking in those areas.

What a week

I have now been in Hollywood for one week. It has been quite the week. My housemates arrived on friday after some adventure with one due to missing a connection and a dead cell phone. This last week we have been able to really just hangout and get to know each other a bit. I was sick for most of this week with a nasty head cold. But I survived and am now fighting the last of it. We have talked about community and how to live in intentional community with one another. It is going to be a challenge with one of us starting work at 7am and another not starting until 10am, thus creating one person really tired. I know we will work out the challenges within that.
Today was the first day at our agencies. I work at My Friend's Place. It feels like it will ultimately be a good fit, but it is hard to jump in and start building those realtionships. Right now I am overwhelmed with the number of names being thrown at me, both of the clients and staff. I am wrestling with alot of questions regarding poverty that began this summer. Questions about why do we ultimately blame the individual for their poverty rather than invest in the person and hear their story. A significant number of the youth I work with have left dangerous or violent situtations, making the streets the safer place to be. I'm not sure how to challenge the stereotype of homelessness in the US, particularily to the church. The church is called to care for the orphan and plead the case of the widow, yet I see the church failing in this area. I'm not sure what this thought means for both now and long term, but I am wrestling with it

In speaking with Matthew (site director) today, I am going to be placed in an agency that works with homeless youth called My friend's place. I actually had a choice between this agency and Young Life. I feel that my friend's place will challenge me more not only emotionally but spiritually as well. While I have participated in street ministry before, it is never the same and it never stops breaking your heart. My challenge will be processing my experiences as well as sharing them, with both you and with my housemates. I tend to process internally first and then share. Sharing my thoughts and emotions as I am feeling them will be a stretch, but a good one. If you would like to find out more about my agency please visit the website www.myfriendsplace.org
Peace

The journey begins

I leave for Hollywood in 8 days. Overall I am excited. I have participated in similar programs and know the expectations. (lack of sleep, figuring out likes and dislikes etc.) In the same instance I feel like I have a lot of time to kill, but really I need to figure out what they essentials for this next year will be. Granted I can come home fairly easily, but over this last summer I saw and felt the importance of having downtime with my roommates. My largest concern is time of solitude. I am not sure what the room situtation is yet. Pray for wisdom and discernement. Thanks