Thanksgiving

I am starting this entry late Thanksgiving night. My Thanksgiving was spent with one of my roommate's families who drove from AZ to spend it with us and cook us dinner. In addition, a second roommate's friend is visiting. For dinner our city director and his wife and two neighborhood families were with us. We had about 20 people. Part of our Thanksgiving was sharing what are we thankful for this year. As I thought, I realized I am thankful for simple things that are often taken for granted. Things like shelter, clothes, food. I am also thankful for friends who are like family to me, both here in LA and in other various places. In reflecting more personally with a friend, I am grateful for the amazing people that I have around me, supporting me, whether financially, emotionally (written or verbally), spiritually. For those of you who challenge me to continually be stepping out of my comfort zone, I say thanks for you. For those who are giving of there own finances to allow me to test my call and expand both the love of Christ and my own understand of Christ I say thank you. For those who create a safe space for me to wrestle and ask hard sometimes uncomfortable questions I say thank you.
In the midst of seeking healing and battling depression, it is good to focus on the many gifts in my life. While I can't say I am thankful for the hard times, I am grateful for the ways they have shaped me, given me my passions, values and compassion. I am reminded of Job who after losing all material goods says 'the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." As we enter the Christmas season, it is my prayer that our focus will be on anticipation of the coming of Christ. The God of the universe entering the world as a dependent, humble babe. Peace to you all

identity

Hello friends,
It is time for another update from Hollywood. My goal is to weekly share a bit of my previous week with you. This last week was emotionally a roller coaster. I had a week coupled with making some large decisions. In the midst of this, was some quality chill time with friends (colleuages), a trip to Hanford/Fresno for a meeting, quaterly review with my agency and an amazing conversation with a good friend. I did a quick trip up to Hanford for my annual review with the Committee on Preperation for Ministry. Here, I was both challenged and encouraged to stay the course with plans for my future. This was also where I had to make a hard decision. As an inqurier in PCUSA, I must have my membership in a PCUSA church. The committee and I discussed various options, and agreed if/when Hanford leaves the PCUSA, I will be transfering my membership to my local church here in Hollywood. This decision was not made lightly. I talked many hours with a variety of people on both sides of the issue. If you are in Hanford and have no clue what I am talking about, please get in touch with me. I don't really care to share the process that I went though to arrive at that decision. If you would like to talk about it over the phone I am happy to do so. On the prior day to my meeting, I was able to spend alot of time laughing with kids, bouncing on trampolines, and playing video games. It was good to see some of you, and I am sorry I couldn't stay longer.
I am asking alot of questions about identity. Some related to how is it formed, who/what teaches us our roles, what does it mean to be a child of God, not in the corporate sense but to me personally. I am seeking healing from some of the baggage I have been carrying for many years. I am ready to lay it down, but I am also scared to do so. I see this also in so many of the youth that come into the agency I work for. They desparately want to trust us and take us at face value, but having been hurt time and again, they are scared. It is only through spending time with them, listening to them, investing in them, that they begin to let down the walls. I see the same happening in my life with people here. To some extent, I think it is normal to wear masks. But there comes a point where we must take off the masks. that is my big challenge for this year, to risk relationships with others that are real and authentic by taking off the masks.

Hi dear friends,
The last week has been one of questions. I am asking both personal and theological questions. Personal questions are related alot to identity: Who am I as a daughter of God, what does that mean to me? I am asking alot of questions that have no answer. I am speaking with various people about the questions, going into the hard places of life. I am grateful for one friend who challenged me this week. The words she spoke were not new, but for the first time I was truly able to hear them. Jesus died not only to forgive our sin, but to free us from our past. Our past is a signifcant part of who we are, but it doesn't equal the sum total of our value. We all have issues from our past, some more obvious than others. These truths are applicable regardless. I am learning to live in to vulenerability this year. I have found this to be scary but good. I am thankful to have amazing housemates who are here for the right reasons, and multiple bosses who create a safe enviroment to talk through issues, both personal and professional.
Theologically: I am wrestling with big questions related to ordination. I am talking again with various people (though not the same) and asking their views. Parts of it are clear for me, others are muddy and grey. What I know for absolute certain is my heart aches over seeing the church be divided. I know the reasons why and yet we are one bride, not a harem. I struggle as I see Christians be mean/disrespectful toward those who disagree, even within our churches. In disclosure, I am not sure where I stand in light of decisions made at GA. I am called to be a peacekeeper and a light. I don't know if leaving is the best option for me, or staying. I don't think I will know until I open my mouth and speak it. I covet your prayers in this area for the next week.
thanks

Success?

I am continuing to wrestle with the idea of success. Through various activities I noticed that success was always measured by numbers. I find this sad and unnerveing. Shane Claiborne, in Irrestible Revolution, uses humor to argue that often when the gospel is preached numbers begin to fall. There is significant truth behind this. The gospel is convicting and we are left with two responses, either repentance or rejection. In repentance we find true freedom and healing, rejection leaves us feeling at best unworthy, and at worst condemned/guilty. What if instead of focusing on numbers for success, we looked at the body to measure how is its faith being practiced. Are we welcoming others into our homes practicing hospitality? Are we caring for the family down the street who looks different from us? Are we serving the homeless man on the street corner? Or do we let these daily opportunites pass us by? Success has very little to do with us, is the conculsion I am coming to. Our role in success is God creating the circumstances and us being obedient. No one is a "self-made" man. All of our talents, gifts, abilities, very breath is from God.
In Hollywood, the idea of success is largely based on numbers, particularily money. Yet our whole system is set-up so that if I have, you must not have. I may choose to share, but you are dependent on that choosing. This is wrong. Why for me to succeed must you fail? I am not sure what the answer is, I am seeing huge value in the biblical mandate for jubilee. If success requires me to push my brother/sister down, I want nothing to do with it. If success achieved through God honoring means allows me to help my brother/sister, I am all for it. I think what I truly desire is for equal power for all people, so everyone truly does have a voice and a opportunity to succeed.