Who are we?

Through various conversations over the last few weeks, I have found myself sharing my view of "church". The general population thinks of "church as a religious building. Scripture is clear that the church is more than a place. It is even more than a common worshiping body. The church is present when God's love is being shown. I see the body often selecting who it will serve. We exclude people for a number of reasons. Whether their skin color, economic status, mental health, clothing choices, or worshipping style, we decide they are not fit to be welcomed into our building. In short, we judge one another. This appals me. Christ calls us to welcome all in his name, regardless of our personal feelings about them. At the church I attend, we have campus security. I recognize there are some justifable reasons, but also wonder how does this look to a non-believer. I struggle with the idea that rather than being a haven, the body often seculdes itself and fails to step up to be the church. Often in walking to or from church, I see clients from the agency where I serve. Due to boundaries imposed by the agency, I am unable to invite them to join me. Even if I were able to invite them, would they be truly welcome? Or would they be directed toward the homeless ministry by default. This post is spurred as I shared earlier by conversations, but also my own experiences. Over the last few months, I have taken huge risks with people in my immediate circle and shared not only the joys, but the struggles in my life. Struggles both professionally and personally. With each of these people I have found unconditional acceptance and love. I wish those I work with everyday that have been hurt by the church would be able to experience the acceptance that I have. They would be able to see beyond the hypocracy that has filled their relationships with believers and realize we are all broken, seeking healing in love, from God and each other. That their need for relationship can be filled in healthy, life-giving ways.
I struggle to always exhibit this. Some of our clients personalities don't match mine. Sometimes I am having a bad day and negative attitude. Yet, my prayer is that overall my interactions would leave people knowing I care about them, simply because they are. Not for anything they have done, simply because they are.

What is family

Hello friends,
This week has been one of reflection. Reflection on the idea of family, somewhat spurred by advent, in addition to my own life journey.
I realized this week I am am battling some homesickness. This is not something I have previously experienced, so not really sure how to acknowledge and embrace it. I am feeling these emotions as I wrestle with what is home. I have some definite thoughts as to what is home and family, which are usually fluid. For most of my life home has been the place I sleep at, and this still fits, but I am also longing for something deeper. Usually home is a place of stability, this has not always been true in my childhood or adolesence. As I wrestle with the idea of family, I am serving youth who have been through traumatic experiences at the hands of their family. I see how the youth become a family among themselves, a surrogate family if you will, primarily focused on the role of brother and sister.
I have built this around myself, not always by choice but necessity. Often given the lack of adults our clients interact with, we serve as the parents. While we do not judge a clients' actions, we educate them in understanding the consequences of their actions, both good and bad. The last two days, I have spoken with different clients who make compromise their health to make money. While I disagree with their actions, I speak with them about why they choose to do so. I get to know their story. We talk about other options. One client honestly shared, she chooses this to remind her that she has value. We talk about other ways to seek out attention in healthy, safer ways. I also encourage her to practice safe sex to reduce her risk.
I am learning that "family" is what you make it. That the definition of family is continually changing on an individual level. That blood relation does not equal family, but rather a mutual love and concern for one another's well-being.

Thanksgiving

I am starting this entry late Thanksgiving night. My Thanksgiving was spent with one of my roommate's families who drove from AZ to spend it with us and cook us dinner. In addition, a second roommate's friend is visiting. For dinner our city director and his wife and two neighborhood families were with us. We had about 20 people. Part of our Thanksgiving was sharing what are we thankful for this year. As I thought, I realized I am thankful for simple things that are often taken for granted. Things like shelter, clothes, food. I am also thankful for friends who are like family to me, both here in LA and in other various places. In reflecting more personally with a friend, I am grateful for the amazing people that I have around me, supporting me, whether financially, emotionally (written or verbally), spiritually. For those of you who challenge me to continually be stepping out of my comfort zone, I say thanks for you. For those who are giving of there own finances to allow me to test my call and expand both the love of Christ and my own understand of Christ I say thank you. For those who create a safe space for me to wrestle and ask hard sometimes uncomfortable questions I say thank you.
In the midst of seeking healing and battling depression, it is good to focus on the many gifts in my life. While I can't say I am thankful for the hard times, I am grateful for the ways they have shaped me, given me my passions, values and compassion. I am reminded of Job who after losing all material goods says 'the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord." As we enter the Christmas season, it is my prayer that our focus will be on anticipation of the coming of Christ. The God of the universe entering the world as a dependent, humble babe. Peace to you all

identity

Hello friends,
It is time for another update from Hollywood. My goal is to weekly share a bit of my previous week with you. This last week was emotionally a roller coaster. I had a week coupled with making some large decisions. In the midst of this, was some quality chill time with friends (colleuages), a trip to Hanford/Fresno for a meeting, quaterly review with my agency and an amazing conversation with a good friend. I did a quick trip up to Hanford for my annual review with the Committee on Preperation for Ministry. Here, I was both challenged and encouraged to stay the course with plans for my future. This was also where I had to make a hard decision. As an inqurier in PCUSA, I must have my membership in a PCUSA church. The committee and I discussed various options, and agreed if/when Hanford leaves the PCUSA, I will be transfering my membership to my local church here in Hollywood. This decision was not made lightly. I talked many hours with a variety of people on both sides of the issue. If you are in Hanford and have no clue what I am talking about, please get in touch with me. I don't really care to share the process that I went though to arrive at that decision. If you would like to talk about it over the phone I am happy to do so. On the prior day to my meeting, I was able to spend alot of time laughing with kids, bouncing on trampolines, and playing video games. It was good to see some of you, and I am sorry I couldn't stay longer.
I am asking alot of questions about identity. Some related to how is it formed, who/what teaches us our roles, what does it mean to be a child of God, not in the corporate sense but to me personally. I am seeking healing from some of the baggage I have been carrying for many years. I am ready to lay it down, but I am also scared to do so. I see this also in so many of the youth that come into the agency I work for. They desparately want to trust us and take us at face value, but having been hurt time and again, they are scared. It is only through spending time with them, listening to them, investing in them, that they begin to let down the walls. I see the same happening in my life with people here. To some extent, I think it is normal to wear masks. But there comes a point where we must take off the masks. that is my big challenge for this year, to risk relationships with others that are real and authentic by taking off the masks.

Hi dear friends,
The last week has been one of questions. I am asking both personal and theological questions. Personal questions are related alot to identity: Who am I as a daughter of God, what does that mean to me? I am asking alot of questions that have no answer. I am speaking with various people about the questions, going into the hard places of life. I am grateful for one friend who challenged me this week. The words she spoke were not new, but for the first time I was truly able to hear them. Jesus died not only to forgive our sin, but to free us from our past. Our past is a signifcant part of who we are, but it doesn't equal the sum total of our value. We all have issues from our past, some more obvious than others. These truths are applicable regardless. I am learning to live in to vulenerability this year. I have found this to be scary but good. I am thankful to have amazing housemates who are here for the right reasons, and multiple bosses who create a safe enviroment to talk through issues, both personal and professional.
Theologically: I am wrestling with big questions related to ordination. I am talking again with various people (though not the same) and asking their views. Parts of it are clear for me, others are muddy and grey. What I know for absolute certain is my heart aches over seeing the church be divided. I know the reasons why and yet we are one bride, not a harem. I struggle as I see Christians be mean/disrespectful toward those who disagree, even within our churches. In disclosure, I am not sure where I stand in light of decisions made at GA. I am called to be a peacekeeper and a light. I don't know if leaving is the best option for me, or staying. I don't think I will know until I open my mouth and speak it. I covet your prayers in this area for the next week.
thanks

Success?

I am continuing to wrestle with the idea of success. Through various activities I noticed that success was always measured by numbers. I find this sad and unnerveing. Shane Claiborne, in Irrestible Revolution, uses humor to argue that often when the gospel is preached numbers begin to fall. There is significant truth behind this. The gospel is convicting and we are left with two responses, either repentance or rejection. In repentance we find true freedom and healing, rejection leaves us feeling at best unworthy, and at worst condemned/guilty. What if instead of focusing on numbers for success, we looked at the body to measure how is its faith being practiced. Are we welcoming others into our homes practicing hospitality? Are we caring for the family down the street who looks different from us? Are we serving the homeless man on the street corner? Or do we let these daily opportunites pass us by? Success has very little to do with us, is the conculsion I am coming to. Our role in success is God creating the circumstances and us being obedient. No one is a "self-made" man. All of our talents, gifts, abilities, very breath is from God.
In Hollywood, the idea of success is largely based on numbers, particularily money. Yet our whole system is set-up so that if I have, you must not have. I may choose to share, but you are dependent on that choosing. This is wrong. Why for me to succeed must you fail? I am not sure what the answer is, I am seeing huge value in the biblical mandate for jubilee. If success requires me to push my brother/sister down, I want nothing to do with it. If success achieved through God honoring means allows me to help my brother/sister, I am all for it. I think what I truly desire is for equal power for all people, so everyone truly does have a voice and a opportunity to succeed.

Random thoughts

Today was hard. While I woke up in a good place and in a good mood, now at the end of the day, I am tired, feeling beat up. As part of our Halloween celebration, we did Karaoke. It was fun but alot of stimulation. Extra work to be done, plus just extra bodies as more clients come in at the end of the month. I know my current emotional state is related to fatigue. I am asking what level of ministry is sustainable for me, and how does it need to look. This weekend is a bit crazy. Tonight was karaoke, tomorrow we are hosting our neighborhood Fall festival, and Sat is Day of the Dead celebration. While all of these are good, they demand energy I don't necessarily have. Looking back it will be worth the work, but I am defnitely needing to make sure I do self-care. In addition, I am preparing for my annual review with the Committee on Preparation on Ministry (CPM). This means lots of writing answering questions about my last year, sharing where I am and how have I grown. On Sunday, I am finding a coffee shop and finishing these questions. I have already started thankfully, but still have two of the deeper questions to answer. I agree reflection is important, but as I wrestle with questions that will affect my view of God and interptation of Scripture, I am finding that is where I am investing my reflection energies. Thanks for your prayers.